[Rikku should be given fair warning as to the sinking feeling in her bonded that's likely going to grow into something harder to ignore. With how close they've gotten, Ferran has to wonder how strongly his emotions will come across, and although he'd like to block them away entirely, he knows he won't have the energy.
So, not too long after he makes a few realizations and decisions, he sends her a text.]
Tsutha is gone. I'm going to her house for a bit, but I want to see you later.
[Rikku does, in fact, feel her stomach sink through the bond. She picks up her watch to message him when she receives his text.
Well, that explains that. Poor Ferran--she didn't know Tsutha well herself, but she knows Ferran was close to her and liked her a lot. Being available for him as needed is a no-brainer.]
I'm so sorry. :( Where and when do you want to meet up?
[He doesn't know how long he'll spend at the cottage. He doesn't know if anything of Tsutha's needs to be returned or taken care of, or how long it might take him to work through his feelings enough to leave them where they are for the time being. Obviously all of it is safe with Yona, but he doesn't know how he'll feel when he gets there and sees all of Tsutha's things without Tsutha.
He really doesn't want to have another crisis in public, though.]
Somewhere private.
[For all the gloom he's feeling, seeing Rikku later is something he can look forward to, and it keeps him from sinking too deep.]
[For as empty as his home can feel at times, he's grateful he lives alone for reasons like this. It gives him the space to process his feelings without worrying about anyone else intruding without invitation.]
Ok. Thank you.
[He might have told her not to wait for him, but he doesn't have the energy. If she wants to message him again in the meantime, he'll respond. It's likely to be a couple of hours before he heads that way.]
[That decided, Rikku makes her way to Ferran's home to sit and wait for him. She realizes rather quickly that he didn't give an ETA, but that's fine. Worse comes to worst, she'll harass him for one.
Ultimately, however, she doesn't. When Ferran finally arrives, she's curled up on the couch with Pluto, Geddo, and a book about magical engineering--all of which are quickly discarded once she looks up to see him.
[Ferran's emotions have become less volatile in the meantime, although it's difficult to say his mood is much better, in the grand scheme of things. He already feels exhausted by the early afternoon, when he's standing in front of his own door, and he halfway feels as if he should knock. Instead, he simply takes a few moments before finally pushing the door open.
He lets out a slow breath when she approaches, leaning into the hug and wrapping his arms around her in turn.]
It's good to see you. [As if he doesn't see her fairly often as it is, but obviously her company right now is a tad more... meaningful.]
[Ferran nudges the door closed behind him, fine with staying in the entryway but wanting that extra barrier of privacy. It helps his nerves settle, just as Rikku's sympathetic embrace does.]
Yeah. Well...
[Grief is still a fresh wound for him, as much as he likes to pretend he's gotten used to it. Every now and again it throbs in his chest and he has to take another steadying breath.]
She seemed happy about things back home. Happy enough. [It's a better fate than others he's lost.] So... it's something.
[He may or may not have had a snack, but it wouldn't have been any kind of meal. Although he is starting to feel the edge of hunger, he's not terribly concerned about solving that problem for himself.]
I can make you something if you're hungry, though.
[Ferran's internal struggle between allowing said fussing and being the host he prefers—one who doesn't let their guest do anything but enjoy themselves—results in several long seconds of silence with a strained look in his eyes and a tension in his jaw.
Finally, he lets out a sigh, shoulders slumping in defeat.]
[Rikku watches Ferran fight with himself and ultimately come up empty, frowning a little. She's no stranger to competing desires and situations, and she understands the frustration of being caught between them--that's ultimately what much of her journey with Yuna ended up being.
Rikku knows she needs to be firm to get him to actually worry about himself instead of her. But that doesn't mean she's not sympathetic.]
No worries, okay? You've had a really rough day.
[She pauses, thoughtfully, before coming up with an idea. If you can't beat your Bonded's mental blocks, you have to work around them.]
What if I got food for us and brought it back here? Then it's me bringing a gift as a guest. Thanking you for letting me come over and stuff, you know? Would that make you feel better about it?
[Ferran doesn't know that it would make him feel better, but it certainly wouldn't make him feel worse, which is the most he can ask for right now.]
It's probably easier... and faster than waiting for me to get a hold of myself.
[And it'll give him a few minutes to attempt that. It's still "easier" for him to work out his feelings in private, so perhaps it will give him a head start of sorts, so he can actually open up properly.]
[Rikku herself doesn't mind waiting for him to get a hold of himself, but she knows that Ferran would feel better doing so in solitude. She doesn't always get why her Bonded is the way it is, but she knows and cares about him enough to respect it.]
I'll be back soon.
[With a soft kiss to his cheek, she takes her leave to buy them some food, something sweet, and some warm drinks.]
[In lieu of attempting a smile at the kiss—it would just be pathetic, honestly—he lets a hand linger on her shoulder for a few moments as she turns to go and he steps out of the way.
The time allows him to think a little more than he had on the journey there, and his musing eventually pulls him towards the past, his mistakes, and the things he'd shared with Tsutha before she left. He thinks of what he's locked up in his study and tried to ignore.
When Rikku returns, he's sitting sideways on the other end of that same couch she'd been waiting on, twirling a domino mask in his hands by its swooping ends, staring at it thoughtfully.]
[For what it's worth, Rikku doesn't expect anything in return from him affection-wise right now. He's hurting, and for once it feels like she gets to take care of him instead of the reverse. It's a responsibility she's taking very seriously. He's important to her, moreso than most people here and even some people back home. This is the least she can do.
In time, she returns with sandwiches, pastries, and tea. When she sees he's on the couch, she decides they can just eat in there and it will be fine. It's not until she has the food set up on the coffee table before she realizes what he's doing.]
[He does look up when Rikku returns, thanking her as the mask stills in his hands. The food would be an appealing sight if he had much of an appetite... but he's sure it'll keep long enough for him to want it. For now, he returns his attention to the accessory, letting out a sigh.
He didn't grab it from its locked wardrobe just to get cagey about it all of a sudden, so his answer comes quicker than most of those when he's asked about something personal.]
Yeah. It's my guardian's... part of the set that came through the mirrors.
[The things that alarmed him so bad that Rikku felt the echoes of it, he means.]
[Rikku remembers that day very well. Ultimately it had ended up all right--she had paraded around in a stupid cat costume to help cheer him up--but they hadn't talked about it since. He wasn't ready, and it wasn't her place to pry. For all her curiosity about him, she's grown to respect his need for space when it came to certain things. This outfit was one of those things.
If he's finally ready to talk about it, then she's here to listen. Food forgotten, she sits next to him and gives him the opening he needs to elaborate further.]
I guess you have a reason for taking it out after all this time?
[He nods, giving himself time to piece the proper words together.]
I told Tsutha... I'd try to reach out more. Be more honest... about things that bothered me.
[Instead of just bottling up his turmoil until everything exploded, forcing her to deal with it without warning.]
I figured you should know why I'm so messed up, I guess. [Even if a part of him is afraid she'll see him as being too much trouble.] My life was miserable before I came here.
[From what Rikku knows in the brief time she knew Tsutha, it seems like the kind of promise she'd have Ferran make. And it's a good thing--he really can afford to share his burdens more. Especially with her. That's kind of the whole point of a bond.
So she listens, pulling her knees up to her chest as she does so.]
That explains why you don't talk about it much. I'm sure it's hard to deal with.
[She looks at the mask.]
Your guardian has something to do with it, doesn't he?
[All Ferran had truly wanted from a Bond was to keep some manner of control over himself and whatever monstrous urges might be forced upon him. So often he felt it was pointless to bring his feelings and problems up at all, and his word to the missing sorceress is the really main reason he's speaking about them.]
I've known him for a while. He killed my family... and almost me. He set my home on fire, and took me in afterwards. Like it was a kindness.
[He drops the mask on the nearby table, though there's more resignation in the gesture than bitterness.]
That was almost a year before I came here. I found out the day before we—before you and I met.
[Thus complicating his arrival in Aefenglom further.]
[Rikku's eyes grow wide as she listens, the revelation both heavier and about as heavy as she expected. What throws her most is the timing of it. She knows he was tightly wound upon his arrival, but she had assumed it was because of the arrival. Now that she knows he was dealing with all of this as well, she's amazed he didn't spend that whole first day screaming incoherently.]
I'm so sorry.
[She reaches over and takes his hands.]
I... know what it's like to lose people, but for someone you trusted to have been responsible must have been awful.
[A huff leaves him as he looks down at their hands, curling his fingers around hers.]
Yeah... I still don't really know how to deal with it.
[There's so much he'll never know about it, he's sure, and no real way to get anything resembling closure.]
After they died, everything happened too quickly... I found out magic was real, and I had to use it to keep these monsters from finishing me off—or, that's what I thought. [The man had so many opportunities to do it, Ferran has to assume that wasn't actually his goal, for whatever reason.]
I ignored all my friends and stopped paying attention to everything but finding out who did it. I was an idiot...
[Rikku's tone is unusually soft and thoughtful, but her response is nearly immediate. She reaches over and takes one of his hands into hers.]
You were hurting, and maybe what you did didn't help, but you weren't an idiot. Listen... death's common where I'm from, and even there I've seen all kinds of reactions to grief. It's hard to deal with, you know? And not knowing makes things worse.
[Really, that line of reasoning is the exact reason why Spira is the way it is, and why so many people follow Yevon so blindly. Not knowing why is the worst part, and it's easier to make something up than go without.]
[Ferran doesn't reply immediately, and putting his thoughts together feels like wading through mud. He has no doubt Rikku has seen a great deal and knows much more about loss than he does, even if he might disagree with her assessment of his actions.]
It is hard.
[He's sure it's not easy for anyone. He'd never imply otherwise.]
I don't like the person I turned into, because of all of that. [Whether or not he was an idiot.] But I don't know what else to do, so I... just tried to ignore it, since I got here.
[Which is why every thread of conversation that might have gone towards the situation only ever dipped into it briefly, if that. He wanted to hold on to whatever sense of normalcy he could, despite having essentially no connection to his peaceful past life whatsoever.]
[Rikku is sympathetic, even if she can't directly relate to what he's talking about. She's always been very lucky, having her father and her brother and the other Al Bhed to have her back when the rest of the world wouldn't. Poor Ferran is talking like he didn't have that, or at least he wouldn't accept it if he did. And if he was being manipulated on top of it... of course he isn't proud of what he did in the aftermath. And moreso that he'd have no mechanism to deal with it here.]
Maybe... maybe having a bit of away time has been good for you.
[It's certainly given him time to think, if nothing else.]
I know I'm biased, but I like who you are now. And if we remember anything when we go back home, you'll have the chance to do better, you know? And even if we don't--maybe it'll stick with us subconsciously or something.
He manages to keep that thought to himself, however strong it might be. Instead, he attempts a small smile. It's partly successful.]
... thanks.
[He reaches forward to pull her closer and rest his head against her shoulder. He thinks he's talked himself out now, and he just wants to sleep for a week. Or mentally check out, anyway.]
I don't know what I would have done without you. [Maybe he would have found others, too. Maybe Tsutha's support would have been enough, at the beginning. Or maybe not.]
[Rikku wraps her arms around him tightly, kissing the side of his head affectionately before she leans her head onto it.]
It's a good thing I'm here--you don't have to worry about that. I've got you.
[They may have paired off on a whim, but it's one of the best decisions she's made in this place. Their relationship has had its ups and downs, sure, but it's always felt natural and right despite everything.
She means it when she says she's there for him, no matter what.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
text; 1st, late morning
So, not too long after he makes a few realizations and decisions, he sends her a text.]
Tsutha is gone. I'm going to her house for a bit, but I want to see you later.
Re: text; 1st, late morning
Well, that explains that. Poor Ferran--she didn't know Tsutha well herself, but she knows Ferran was close to her and liked her a lot. Being available for him as needed is a no-brainer.]
I'm so sorry. :( Where and when do you want to meet up?
no subject
[He doesn't know how long he'll spend at the cottage. He doesn't know if anything of Tsutha's needs to be returned or taken care of, or how long it might take him to work through his feelings enough to leave them where they are for the time being. Obviously all of it is safe with Yona, but he doesn't know how he'll feel when he gets there and sees all of Tsutha's things without Tsutha.
He really doesn't want to have another crisis in public, though.]
Somewhere private.
[For all the gloom he's feeling, seeing Rikku later is something he can look forward to, and it keeps him from sinking too deep.]
no subject
[That's about the most private place she can think of.]
no subject
Ok. Thank you.
[He might have told her not to wait for him, but he doesn't have the energy. If she wants to message him again in the meantime, he'll respond. It's likely to be a couple of hours before he heads that way.]
no subject
[That decided, Rikku makes her way to Ferran's home to sit and wait for him. She realizes rather quickly that he didn't give an ETA, but that's fine. Worse comes to worst, she'll harass him for one.
Ultimately, however, she doesn't. When Ferran finally arrives, she's curled up on the couch with Pluto, Geddo, and a book about magical engineering--all of which are quickly discarded once she looks up to see him.
Without a word, she greets him with a tight hug.]
no subject
He lets out a slow breath when she approaches, leaning into the hug and wrapping his arms around her in turn.]
It's good to see you. [As if he doesn't see her fairly often as it is, but obviously her company right now is a tad more... meaningful.]
no subject
I'm glad to be here.
[She tightens her hug slightly for a few moments, an affectionate squeeze.]
I really am sorry, Ferran. Losing people like this is awful.
no subject
Yeah. Well...
[Grief is still a fresh wound for him, as much as he likes to pretend he's gotten used to it. Every now and again it throbs in his chest and he has to take another steadying breath.]
She seemed happy about things back home. Happy enough. [It's a better fate than others he's lost.] So... it's something.
no subject
[Rikku pulls back a bit, rubbing his arms gently with comfort.]
You eat anything today? Since you found out?
no subject
[He may or may not have had a snack, but it wouldn't have been any kind of meal. Although he is starting to feel the edge of hunger, he's not terribly concerned about solving that problem for himself.]
I can make you something if you're hungry, though.
no subject
I'm asking for your sake, Ferran, not mine. Don't worry about me. I can make food for you, if you want?
[Seriously, this boy needs to get better at having other people fuss over him.]
I know you like to stay busy, so if you want to make something for yourself instead I'll keep you company.
no subject
Finally, he lets out a sigh, shoulders slumping in defeat.]
Sorry. I'm not... good at this.
no subject
Rikku knows she needs to be firm to get him to actually worry about himself instead of her. But that doesn't mean she's not sympathetic.]
No worries, okay? You've had a really rough day.
[She pauses, thoughtfully, before coming up with an idea. If you can't beat your Bonded's mental blocks, you have to work around them.]
What if I got food for us and brought it back here? Then it's me bringing a gift as a guest. Thanking you for letting me come over and stuff, you know? Would that make you feel better about it?
no subject
It's probably easier... and faster than waiting for me to get a hold of myself.
[And it'll give him a few minutes to attempt that. It's still "easier" for him to work out his feelings in private, so perhaps it will give him a head start of sorts, so he can actually open up properly.]
Thanks.
no subject
[Rikku herself doesn't mind waiting for him to get a hold of himself, but she knows that Ferran would feel better doing so in solitude. She doesn't always get why her Bonded is the way it is, but she knows and cares about him enough to respect it.]
I'll be back soon.
[With a soft kiss to his cheek, she takes her leave to buy them some food, something sweet, and some warm drinks.]
no subject
The time allows him to think a little more than he had on the journey there, and his musing eventually pulls him towards the past, his mistakes, and the things he'd shared with Tsutha before she left. He thinks of what he's locked up in his study and tried to ignore.
When Rikku returns, he's sitting sideways on the other end of that same couch she'd been waiting on, twirling a domino mask in his hands by its swooping ends, staring at it thoughtfully.]
no subject
In time, she returns with sandwiches, pastries, and tea. When she sees he's on the couch, she decides they can just eat in there and it will be fine. It's not until she has the food set up on the coffee table before she realizes what he's doing.]
What you got there? Is that a mask?
no subject
He didn't grab it from its locked wardrobe just to get cagey about it all of a sudden, so his answer comes quicker than most of those when he's asked about something personal.]
Yeah. It's my guardian's... part of the set that came through the mirrors.
[The things that alarmed him so bad that Rikku felt the echoes of it, he means.]
no subject
[Rikku remembers that day very well. Ultimately it had ended up all right--she had paraded around in a stupid cat costume to help cheer him up--but they hadn't talked about it since. He wasn't ready, and it wasn't her place to pry. For all her curiosity about him, she's grown to respect his need for space when it came to certain things. This outfit was one of those things.
If he's finally ready to talk about it, then she's here to listen. Food forgotten, she sits next to him and gives him the opening he needs to elaborate further.]
I guess you have a reason for taking it out after all this time?
no subject
I told Tsutha... I'd try to reach out more. Be more honest... about things that bothered me.
[Instead of just bottling up his turmoil until everything exploded, forcing her to deal with it without warning.]
I figured you should know why I'm so messed up, I guess. [Even if a part of him is afraid she'll see him as being too much trouble.] My life was miserable before I came here.
no subject
So she listens, pulling her knees up to her chest as she does so.]
That explains why you don't talk about it much. I'm sure it's hard to deal with.
[She looks at the mask.]
Your guardian has something to do with it, doesn't he?
no subject
I've known him for a while. He killed my family... and almost me. He set my home on fire, and took me in afterwards. Like it was a kindness.
[He drops the mask on the nearby table, though there's more resignation in the gesture than bitterness.]
That was almost a year before I came here. I found out the day before we—before you and I met.
[Thus complicating his arrival in Aefenglom further.]
no subject
I'm so sorry.
[She reaches over and takes his hands.]
I... know what it's like to lose people, but for someone you trusted to have been responsible must have been awful.
no subject
Yeah... I still don't really know how to deal with it.
[There's so much he'll never know about it, he's sure, and no real way to get anything resembling closure.]
After they died, everything happened too quickly... I found out magic was real, and I had to use it to keep these monsters from finishing me off—or, that's what I thought. [The man had so many opportunities to do it, Ferran has to assume that wasn't actually his goal, for whatever reason.]
I ignored all my friends and stopped paying attention to everything but finding out who did it. I was an idiot...
[He's still an idiot, but you know.]
no subject
[Rikku's tone is unusually soft and thoughtful, but her response is nearly immediate. She reaches over and takes one of his hands into hers.]
You were hurting, and maybe what you did didn't help, but you weren't an idiot. Listen... death's common where I'm from, and even there I've seen all kinds of reactions to grief. It's hard to deal with, you know? And not knowing makes things worse.
[Really, that line of reasoning is the exact reason why Spira is the way it is, and why so many people follow Yevon so blindly. Not knowing why is the worst part, and it's easier to make something up than go without.]
no subject
It is hard.
[He's sure it's not easy for anyone. He'd never imply otherwise.]
I don't like the person I turned into, because of all of that. [Whether or not he was an idiot.] But I don't know what else to do, so I... just tried to ignore it, since I got here.
[Which is why every thread of conversation that might have gone towards the situation only ever dipped into it briefly, if that. He wanted to hold on to whatever sense of normalcy he could, despite having essentially no connection to his peaceful past life whatsoever.]
no subject
Maybe... maybe having a bit of away time has been good for you.
[It's certainly given him time to think, if nothing else.]
I know I'm biased, but I like who you are now. And if we remember anything when we go back home, you'll have the chance to do better, you know? And even if we don't--maybe it'll stick with us subconsciously or something.
I believe in you.
no subject
He manages to keep that thought to himself, however strong it might be. Instead, he attempts a small smile. It's partly successful.]
... thanks.
[He reaches forward to pull her closer and rest his head against her shoulder. He thinks he's talked himself out now, and he just wants to sleep for a week. Or mentally check out, anyway.]
I don't know what I would have done without you. [Maybe he would have found others, too. Maybe Tsutha's support would have been enough, at the beginning. Or maybe not.]
no subject
[Rikku wraps her arms around him tightly, kissing the side of his head affectionately before she leans her head onto it.]
It's a good thing I'm here--you don't have to worry about that. I've got you.
[They may have paired off on a whim, but it's one of the best decisions she's made in this place. Their relationship has had its ups and downs, sure, but it's always felt natural and right despite everything.
She means it when she says she's there for him, no matter what.]