[He does look up when Rikku returns, thanking her as the mask stills in his hands. The food would be an appealing sight if he had much of an appetite... but he's sure it'll keep long enough for him to want it. For now, he returns his attention to the accessory, letting out a sigh.
He didn't grab it from its locked wardrobe just to get cagey about it all of a sudden, so his answer comes quicker than most of those when he's asked about something personal.]
Yeah. It's my guardian's... part of the set that came through the mirrors.
[The things that alarmed him so bad that Rikku felt the echoes of it, he means.]
[Rikku remembers that day very well. Ultimately it had ended up all right--she had paraded around in a stupid cat costume to help cheer him up--but they hadn't talked about it since. He wasn't ready, and it wasn't her place to pry. For all her curiosity about him, she's grown to respect his need for space when it came to certain things. This outfit was one of those things.
If he's finally ready to talk about it, then she's here to listen. Food forgotten, she sits next to him and gives him the opening he needs to elaborate further.]
I guess you have a reason for taking it out after all this time?
[He nods, giving himself time to piece the proper words together.]
I told Tsutha... I'd try to reach out more. Be more honest... about things that bothered me.
[Instead of just bottling up his turmoil until everything exploded, forcing her to deal with it without warning.]
I figured you should know why I'm so messed up, I guess. [Even if a part of him is afraid she'll see him as being too much trouble.] My life was miserable before I came here.
[From what Rikku knows in the brief time she knew Tsutha, it seems like the kind of promise she'd have Ferran make. And it's a good thing--he really can afford to share his burdens more. Especially with her. That's kind of the whole point of a bond.
So she listens, pulling her knees up to her chest as she does so.]
That explains why you don't talk about it much. I'm sure it's hard to deal with.
[She looks at the mask.]
Your guardian has something to do with it, doesn't he?
[All Ferran had truly wanted from a Bond was to keep some manner of control over himself and whatever monstrous urges might be forced upon him. So often he felt it was pointless to bring his feelings and problems up at all, and his word to the missing sorceress is the really main reason he's speaking about them.]
I've known him for a while. He killed my family... and almost me. He set my home on fire, and took me in afterwards. Like it was a kindness.
[He drops the mask on the nearby table, though there's more resignation in the gesture than bitterness.]
That was almost a year before I came here. I found out the day before we—before you and I met.
[Thus complicating his arrival in Aefenglom further.]
[Rikku's eyes grow wide as she listens, the revelation both heavier and about as heavy as she expected. What throws her most is the timing of it. She knows he was tightly wound upon his arrival, but she had assumed it was because of the arrival. Now that she knows he was dealing with all of this as well, she's amazed he didn't spend that whole first day screaming incoherently.]
I'm so sorry.
[She reaches over and takes his hands.]
I... know what it's like to lose people, but for someone you trusted to have been responsible must have been awful.
[A huff leaves him as he looks down at their hands, curling his fingers around hers.]
Yeah... I still don't really know how to deal with it.
[There's so much he'll never know about it, he's sure, and no real way to get anything resembling closure.]
After they died, everything happened too quickly... I found out magic was real, and I had to use it to keep these monsters from finishing me off—or, that's what I thought. [The man had so many opportunities to do it, Ferran has to assume that wasn't actually his goal, for whatever reason.]
I ignored all my friends and stopped paying attention to everything but finding out who did it. I was an idiot...
[Rikku's tone is unusually soft and thoughtful, but her response is nearly immediate. She reaches over and takes one of his hands into hers.]
You were hurting, and maybe what you did didn't help, but you weren't an idiot. Listen... death's common where I'm from, and even there I've seen all kinds of reactions to grief. It's hard to deal with, you know? And not knowing makes things worse.
[Really, that line of reasoning is the exact reason why Spira is the way it is, and why so many people follow Yevon so blindly. Not knowing why is the worst part, and it's easier to make something up than go without.]
[Ferran doesn't reply immediately, and putting his thoughts together feels like wading through mud. He has no doubt Rikku has seen a great deal and knows much more about loss than he does, even if he might disagree with her assessment of his actions.]
It is hard.
[He's sure it's not easy for anyone. He'd never imply otherwise.]
I don't like the person I turned into, because of all of that. [Whether or not he was an idiot.] But I don't know what else to do, so I... just tried to ignore it, since I got here.
[Which is why every thread of conversation that might have gone towards the situation only ever dipped into it briefly, if that. He wanted to hold on to whatever sense of normalcy he could, despite having essentially no connection to his peaceful past life whatsoever.]
[Rikku is sympathetic, even if she can't directly relate to what he's talking about. She's always been very lucky, having her father and her brother and the other Al Bhed to have her back when the rest of the world wouldn't. Poor Ferran is talking like he didn't have that, or at least he wouldn't accept it if he did. And if he was being manipulated on top of it... of course he isn't proud of what he did in the aftermath. And moreso that he'd have no mechanism to deal with it here.]
Maybe... maybe having a bit of away time has been good for you.
[It's certainly given him time to think, if nothing else.]
I know I'm biased, but I like who you are now. And if we remember anything when we go back home, you'll have the chance to do better, you know? And even if we don't--maybe it'll stick with us subconsciously or something.
He manages to keep that thought to himself, however strong it might be. Instead, he attempts a small smile. It's partly successful.]
... thanks.
[He reaches forward to pull her closer and rest his head against her shoulder. He thinks he's talked himself out now, and he just wants to sleep for a week. Or mentally check out, anyway.]
I don't know what I would have done without you. [Maybe he would have found others, too. Maybe Tsutha's support would have been enough, at the beginning. Or maybe not.]
[Rikku wraps her arms around him tightly, kissing the side of his head affectionately before she leans her head onto it.]
It's a good thing I'm here--you don't have to worry about that. I've got you.
[They may have paired off on a whim, but it's one of the best decisions she's made in this place. Their relationship has had its ups and downs, sure, but it's always felt natural and right despite everything.
She means it when she says she's there for him, no matter what.]
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no subject
He didn't grab it from its locked wardrobe just to get cagey about it all of a sudden, so his answer comes quicker than most of those when he's asked about something personal.]
Yeah. It's my guardian's... part of the set that came through the mirrors.
[The things that alarmed him so bad that Rikku felt the echoes of it, he means.]
no subject
[Rikku remembers that day very well. Ultimately it had ended up all right--she had paraded around in a stupid cat costume to help cheer him up--but they hadn't talked about it since. He wasn't ready, and it wasn't her place to pry. For all her curiosity about him, she's grown to respect his need for space when it came to certain things. This outfit was one of those things.
If he's finally ready to talk about it, then she's here to listen. Food forgotten, she sits next to him and gives him the opening he needs to elaborate further.]
I guess you have a reason for taking it out after all this time?
no subject
I told Tsutha... I'd try to reach out more. Be more honest... about things that bothered me.
[Instead of just bottling up his turmoil until everything exploded, forcing her to deal with it without warning.]
I figured you should know why I'm so messed up, I guess. [Even if a part of him is afraid she'll see him as being too much trouble.] My life was miserable before I came here.
no subject
So she listens, pulling her knees up to her chest as she does so.]
That explains why you don't talk about it much. I'm sure it's hard to deal with.
[She looks at the mask.]
Your guardian has something to do with it, doesn't he?
no subject
I've known him for a while. He killed my family... and almost me. He set my home on fire, and took me in afterwards. Like it was a kindness.
[He drops the mask on the nearby table, though there's more resignation in the gesture than bitterness.]
That was almost a year before I came here. I found out the day before we—before you and I met.
[Thus complicating his arrival in Aefenglom further.]
no subject
I'm so sorry.
[She reaches over and takes his hands.]
I... know what it's like to lose people, but for someone you trusted to have been responsible must have been awful.
no subject
Yeah... I still don't really know how to deal with it.
[There's so much he'll never know about it, he's sure, and no real way to get anything resembling closure.]
After they died, everything happened too quickly... I found out magic was real, and I had to use it to keep these monsters from finishing me off—or, that's what I thought. [The man had so many opportunities to do it, Ferran has to assume that wasn't actually his goal, for whatever reason.]
I ignored all my friends and stopped paying attention to everything but finding out who did it. I was an idiot...
[He's still an idiot, but you know.]
no subject
[Rikku's tone is unusually soft and thoughtful, but her response is nearly immediate. She reaches over and takes one of his hands into hers.]
You were hurting, and maybe what you did didn't help, but you weren't an idiot. Listen... death's common where I'm from, and even there I've seen all kinds of reactions to grief. It's hard to deal with, you know? And not knowing makes things worse.
[Really, that line of reasoning is the exact reason why Spira is the way it is, and why so many people follow Yevon so blindly. Not knowing why is the worst part, and it's easier to make something up than go without.]
no subject
It is hard.
[He's sure it's not easy for anyone. He'd never imply otherwise.]
I don't like the person I turned into, because of all of that. [Whether or not he was an idiot.] But I don't know what else to do, so I... just tried to ignore it, since I got here.
[Which is why every thread of conversation that might have gone towards the situation only ever dipped into it briefly, if that. He wanted to hold on to whatever sense of normalcy he could, despite having essentially no connection to his peaceful past life whatsoever.]
no subject
Maybe... maybe having a bit of away time has been good for you.
[It's certainly given him time to think, if nothing else.]
I know I'm biased, but I like who you are now. And if we remember anything when we go back home, you'll have the chance to do better, you know? And even if we don't--maybe it'll stick with us subconsciously or something.
I believe in you.
no subject
He manages to keep that thought to himself, however strong it might be. Instead, he attempts a small smile. It's partly successful.]
... thanks.
[He reaches forward to pull her closer and rest his head against her shoulder. He thinks he's talked himself out now, and he just wants to sleep for a week. Or mentally check out, anyway.]
I don't know what I would have done without you. [Maybe he would have found others, too. Maybe Tsutha's support would have been enough, at the beginning. Or maybe not.]
no subject
[Rikku wraps her arms around him tightly, kissing the side of his head affectionately before she leans her head onto it.]
It's a good thing I'm here--you don't have to worry about that. I've got you.
[They may have paired off on a whim, but it's one of the best decisions she's made in this place. Their relationship has had its ups and downs, sure, but it's always felt natural and right despite everything.
She means it when she says she's there for him, no matter what.]